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The good news is, both of you can be proactive. The other bad news is that this will most likely not just “go away” or get better on its own. The bad news is, those struggling with addiction cannot stop on willpower alone-usually.
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It’s up to him to want to get help if he doesn’t, then feel free to let him know how that hurts and/or concerns you. In fact, it’ll only make things worse if you try to act “for” him. You can drive him to a therapist’s office, but you cannot go in and talk for him. You can support his efforts to get help and tell him how it affects you (which I encourage), or you can suggest and support his taking proactive measures (group support, therapy, spiritual counseling, psychiatry, etc.), but you cannot “do” anything that will get him to take decisive action. There is nothing you can do to stop your husband from doing this. How strange is that?! This is the tragedy of these kinds of behaviors the person engaging in them truly does not mean to hurt anyone, but it ends up doing just that. He knows it hurts you, and it probably hurts him, too, yet it continues. You’re only human.Īnd of course you’re going to have strong feelings about something as intimate as sex sexuality is extremely private and intimate, and your partner is engaging in behaviors that are probably pretty puzzling. If you consider addiction an illness (which I do), then it wouldn’t be surprising for you to be feeling stress just imagine if your husband had another type of illness, like depression, or an anxiety disorder, then of course you would be strongly affected. So, having made this caveat, I’ll start by saying that, addictive/compulsive behaviors affect the entire family. (Just like cancer, if you have a low-stage problem, you want to address it sooner rather than later!) (Just as someone who drinks heavily every weekend may not be a full-blown alcoholic but does show tendencies.) So let me just suppose for a moment that we’re talking about either a compulsion or something on the “addictive spectrum.” Treating it like an addiction is probably most helpful to address the problem behaviorally and emotionally, even if it is more like an addictive “pattern” or low on the scale. However, I am hearing some red flags that make me think what your husband is experiencing is in the ballpark, or somewhere along the spectrum. But only the actual person doing the behavior can say yes or no as to whether they truly have an addiction. You are acting quite gracefully under pressure, I think.Īddiction is self-diagnosed, which makes it something of an anomaly. You are not “doing” anything to make the situation worse if anything, you are supporting your husband and trying very valiantly to be understanding. First of all let me say that you sound like a very supportive, caring partner. Is he a sex addict? Am I overreacting? Is there any kind of guidance you can give me about this? I am really hurting about his continued use of the porn booths in the back of the adult bookstores. Other than this, we are a very happy couple and have a lot of fun together. He has a lot of shame about the behaviors and I am very upset to find out that he still goes to those places, though he claims he stays away from the other people there now. At one point, years ago, he actually participated in some of the sexual activity there through "glory holes" some of the customers had made in the walls of the booths. Before we met, he went to the booths in the back to watch porn and masturbate and act as a voyeur with the other people there. I have been worried for some time about my husband's activities in adult bookstores.
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